Comments on: MeFi Examinations 2009. Applied Bollocks - Stage 1.

MeFi Examinations 2009. Applied Bollocks - Stage 1.

MajorDundee — Fri, 22 May 2009 10:55:48 -0800

"To what extent is recording a science or an art? - discuss".* *Assume, for the purposes of discussion, that "recording" includes writing, arranging, performing and producing a piece of work

This is prompted by a discussion going on in another string. Obviously there's no right or wrong answer. So Social Sciences and Humanities graduates should do particularly well....

By: Paid In Full

Paid In Full — Fri, 22 May 2009 11:47:19 -0800

I think your definition of recording is far too broad, but breaking it down I'd say that there is zero science in the writing and performing aspects, maybe a dash in arranging if you're going to follow some mathematical principles or something for inspiration. Producing might have a bit of science, but IMHO it's more of a project management skill.

Now, if we keep to the question as posed, the actual act of recording is full of science. Room acoustics (reflections, decay), microphones (polar patterns, output levels), cables (resistance, material), mixers (EQ, gain), and the actual recording device (bit level, frequency range, bias level) can all be calculated and analysed.

You may not need to know how a whisper into a mic can end up as a 100 dB blast from a stereo playing the final CD product, but there are generations of people and decades of research involved in making that possible.

By: dobie

dobie — Fri, 22 May 2009 12:00:02 -0800

me record make drums loud. me ask for drum god make drums loud. god of compression smiles on me but me no understand her ways.

By: MajorDundee

MajorDundee — Fri, 22 May 2009 15:15:46 -0800

Major Roberston St John Dundee, Emeritus Professor of Applied Bollocks at the University of Oxford, thoughtfully fills his pipe while absentmindedly scratching his arse (an action requiring considerable dexterity) and responds thus: "Wurtenberger's Theory of Whatever would tend to suggest, Mr....er...Dobie, that you are well on the way to excelling in the noble art of applied bollocks. I anticipate First Class Honours. In contrast, Mr Paid In Full plainly needs to spend more time in the Union Bar and less in chambers. Frankly, whispering into microphones is for girls and, moreover, is a medically recognised form of incipient degeneracy. At Oxford, sir, we SHOUT into microphones, particularly when addressing foreigners - savvy?

By: flapjax at midnite

flapjax at midnite — Sat, 23 May 2009 00:44:16 -0800

Ground Control to MajorDundee: it's an art AND a science! A floor wax AND a dessert topping!

And I'm neither a Social Sciences NOR a Humanities graduate!

Huzzah! Crumpets for everyone! And trumpets for none!

By: cortex

cortex — Sat, 23 May 2009 10:53:10 -0800

I'd say that there is zero science in the writing and performing aspects

I disagree! Performance for recording requires some applied psychology and some bioinformatics and a touch of mechanics/kinematics—setting aside all the art being produced and the aesthetic sensibilities driving that, there's a certain amount of knowing how to not get in your own way, physically and mentally, and a lot of that is science indeed.

By: MajorDundee

MajorDundee — Sat, 23 May 2009 15:57:53 -0800

flapjax at midnite - splendid, splendid......but you need to get more pure bollocks into it. I recommend you read Threep's "A Treatise On Luggage" or indeed Cortex's response posted here to get more of the hang of things. Only complete and unvarnished crap will suffice, I'm afraid. But this is a most encouraging start....

cortex - congratulations sir! An impressive exposition of bollocks of the impenetrable but persuasive variety. "Bioinformatics" and "Kinematics" indeed - I must admit to a lump in the throat upon reading such utter nonsense.....truly marvellous.

By: snsranch

snsranch — Sat, 23 May 2009 16:52:39 -0800

MajorDundee, you are having much too much fun with this, but since this is a topic of discussion that is very dear to me, I must weigh in.

To answer your question, one must first define music and all of its elements. Music in all of its forms is indeed a math...

Let us skip that though, shall we? Didn't you ever watch Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind? Of COURSE its both science and art! You don't think the aliens used music because it was pretty do you?

Good God, man!

And...BOLLOCKS!

By: flapjax at midnite

flapjax at midnite — Sat, 23 May 2009 18:55:54 -0800

ahem... Esteemed gentlemen and colleagues, it behooves me, on this most favorable occasion, to emit certain sounds which, prior to this moment, may not have announced themselves, nor found their way into your aural cavities. Allow me to start with this one:

BLLLUUUAAAARRRRZZZZY - MUGGAMUGGAMUGGA - WHONK - OOOBAH!

Well, good sirs, your stunned silence would indicate that you've never heard anything quite like it! An amusing little sonorous diversion indeed! Very good then, let's continue...

GGGRRROOOOZZHHH - ABO! ABO! - FFFRRRRAAABBAH! SHNEEP! SHNEEP! QUOBBLE - OSH!

So, in closing, I'd like to offer humble thanks and sincere gratitude to the august MajorDundee, for affording me the privilege of sharing these utterances with you today. To those of you who might wish to delve deeper into the rich vein of expression I've tapped here today, may I suggest you stand up now and, in the loudest voice you can muster, say:

GAHOOOOOSHMA! GAHOOOOOOOSHMA!

Thank you.

By: snsranch

snsranch — Sat, 23 May 2009 19:13:53 -0800

My dear flapjax, in light, and upon recently finding light in your comment that contains many illusory and insightful digitations, may I be the first to concur with MUGGAMUGGAMUGGA, WHONK AND OOBAH. I must, of course, dispense with GGGRRROOOOZZHHH. As I have not encountered it previously, I must research its origins.

Oddly enough, I must say, I just witnessed Steam Powered Giraffe performing today. They were indeed, steam powered.

By: flapjax at midnite

flapjax at midnite — Sat, 23 May 2009 19:23:50 -0800

My dear Mr. Ranch, I certainly wouldn't disavow you of the desire or intention to explore the etymology, if you will, of "GGGRRROOOOZZHHH", since indeed, a scholar of your standing may well shed some much-needed light on its origins, but I daresy you'll find its deeper meaning shrouded in an impenetrable veil of mystery. Nonetheless, good luck to you sir, and please keep me abreat of your progress.

By: flapjax at midnite

flapjax at midnite — Sat, 23 May 2009 19:33:26 -0800

And not only "abreat", but abreast as well. After all, I think we'll all agree that "a breast" is a delightful thing indeed! *chortle, chortle*

Good day, sir.

By: snsranch

snsranch — Sat, 23 May 2009 20:02:25 -0800

My dear sir, please, CHORTLES all around and on me, by jove!

By: MajorDundee

MajorDundee — Sun, 24 May 2009 12:37:31 -0800

Flapjax - I am compelled to direct you to college rule 413B "Cattle are not permitted in chambers except where there is a proven marital relationship". I refer here not to your splendid rendition of "The Sound Of Bollocks" (aided and abetted by Mr snsranch) - a confection which, incidentally, bears striking comparison with a fire at the stockyard - but to your reference that "...it behooves me". This is most worrying. If your indulgence in the nefarious practice of GAHOOOOOSHMA! is resulting in your feet inexorably beginning to resemble the cloven hoof, I suggest you either desist or seek urgent medical attention. I understand that you are indeed a foreign gentleman from one of our minor colonies - I believe quaintly known as the "US of A" - and that you may, in point of fact, be guilty of mangling the Queen's English (I refer here of course to her Royal Majesty and not to the borough of Noo Yawk). This kind of simple grammatical error could lead you, at best, to be expelled and, at worst, served up as Sunday luncheon. The correct term - which I advise you absorb sharpish, sir - is "behove".

As for "abreat" - this is a perfectly acceptable English word. The Oxford English Dictionary refers to it (and its myriad declensions) as meaning "To be breat or in the process of being breat. That is, to be slapped in the face by a disgruntled female after making inappropriate comments about her jugs, bazoomahs, bristols, knockers or titties"

By: MajorDundee

MajorDundee — Sun, 24 May 2009 12:52:25 -0800

snsranch - yes, yes I know that it's both a science and an art. Good God man, do you think I'm mad?!? The entire point of this is examination is to allow students to exercise their skills in Applied Bollocks. The college is looking for the purest application of theoretical bollocks to an empirical situation - an Alphalpha answer will be one that is utterly pointless, absurd and entirely without relevance to anything. Because, sir, the question is itself pointless, absurd and a complete waste of time. Now - off you go - Dr McSween is waiting to administer my injection.

By: snsranch

snsranch — Sun, 24 May 2009 20:10:38 -0800

So, were now reduced to citing Robert's Rules of Order regarding bovine interdiction, eh?

So be it.

BOLLOCKS!

By: MajorDundee

MajorDundee — Tue, 26 May 2009 13:13:36 -0800

Dear Sirs,
It is with regret that I inform you that Major Robertson St John Dundee was today dismissed from his post as Professor of Applied Bollocks at this esteemed seat of ridiculousness. I am not at liberty to divulge details - you will understand that the incident resulting in his dismissal is now a police matter - save reference to an unsavoury act involving duct tape, a length of rubber tubing and the college goat. What is far more disappointing, personally, is that I did not think of that first. Fuck.

yours sincerely

Bartholmew Turbot, MA
Principal

By: pyramid termite

pyramid termite — Thu, 28 May 2009 21:40:54 -0800

art, science, hell - it's torture - the only reason no one gets prosecuted for it is because it's self-inflicted

By: MajorDundee

MajorDundee — Fri, 29 May 2009 15:35:54 -0800

pyramid - may I suggest that you need to see a doctor pretty sharpish?

By: pyramid termite

pyramid termite — Fri, 29 May 2009 21:13:24 -0800

majordundee - i did, but i can't find a pharmacy that will fill a prescription for 500 milligrams of acid