How To Write A Christmas Song

There is sacred holiday music and there is profane holiday music. This is profane holiday music.

what can you sing about in a christmas song?
not coke or pussy or doing gravity bongs
you can't sing about gangsta shit
like who called you out and who's gonna get hit.
goddamn it's hard to write a christmas song

the first thing you gotta settle is your theology
whether you're gonna give a shoutout to GOD
if you do you might sell some records to the GOP
but you'll limit your market share pretty majorly

goddamn it's hard to write a christmas song
shit i can't say goddamn it's a christmas song
i better not swear like a teenage boy
cause then santa claus will keep all my toys
god it's hard to write a christmas song

your christmas song should use repetition
whether you believe or think it's superstition
doesn't really matter if you've never prayed
just write a catchy chorus and get real paid

christmas songs are in the key of C
the key of commerce and cash money
a trinity of chords and four at the most
if you want it sung from coast to coast

your christmas song had better be simple
so even stupid kids with braces and pimples
can sing it acapella in their parents' cars
or over youth pastor's acoustic guitars

christmas songs are self-reflexive and meta
the more times you use the word christmas, the better
sing about snow and winter and shit
and add some sleigh bells if you really want a hit

[sleigh bells]

goddamn it's hard to write a christmas song
shit i can't say goddamn it's a christmas song
i better not swear like a teenage boy
cause then santa claus will keep all my toys
god it's hard to write a christmas song

[solo]
[end]

• play
• pause
• min volume
• max volume

posted by raisindebt (14 comments total)

Holy shit, this is awesome.
posted by mmmbacon at 12:13 PM on December 1, 2009

Thanks!
posted by raisindebt at 3:31 PM on December 1, 2009

A Christmas cracker. This is, it would be if it was actually a Christmas song which it isn't of course whilst at the same time being one. Aaarrggghhh. Excuse me while I rearrange my internal dialectic, kiss the sky etc. Fucking excellent lyric. Sort of thing Lou Reed would come up with - which is praise indeed raisindebt me old spud. I think should be sidebarred on the blue - cortex???
posted by MajorDundee at 1:22 PM on December 4, 2009

"That is, it would be.....etc" is what I meant.
posted by MajorDundee at 1:25 PM on December 4, 2009

Beautiful. Rhyming G-O-D with GOP was inspired.

Also, needs more sleigh bell.
posted by empyrean at 10:38 PM on December 4, 2009

Thanks guys. I was really happy with that rhyme, too, empyrean.
posted by raisindebt at 8:00 AM on December 6, 2009

This is officially my new favorite Christmas song.
posted by donnagirl at 3:17 PM on December 6, 2009

This is fantastic. Thanks for making it. :D
posted by KoPi_42 at 1:30 PM on December 9, 2009

This has been stuck in my head all afternoon which I think means two thumbs up from my celebrating subconscious. I like it a lot. :)
posted by annathea at 6:17 PM on December 9, 2009

This song has kicked my ass.
posted by Jofus at 3:57 AM on December 10, 2009

This is fucking awesome. Especially the J Mascis solo.
posted by Len at 5:21 AM on December 10, 2009

*applause*

I'm so glad this got sidebarred.
posted by Decimask at 7:50 PM on December 12, 2009

I'm a bit late to the party here, but I went back and listened to all your stuff. I think it's fantastic. Wonderful lyrics, guitar playing, everything. Love it.
posted by empath at 3:54 PM on December 13, 2009

Oh man, just realised I never actually commented on this at the time, but I added this to my (very carefully curated!) Christmas playlist ages ago and every year it's one of my favourites.

So, so good, raisindebt.
posted by pseudonymph at 11:28 PM on December 8, 2014