There is sacred holiday music and there is profane holiday music. This is profane holiday music.
what can you sing about in a christmas song?
not coke or pussy or doing gravity bongs
you can't sing about gangsta shit
like who called you out and who's gonna get hit.
goddamn it's hard to write a christmas song
the first thing you gotta settle is your theology
whether you're gonna give a shoutout to GOD
if you do you might sell some records to the GOP
but you'll limit your market share pretty majorly
goddamn it's hard to write a christmas song
shit i can't say goddamn it's a christmas song
i better not swear like a teenage boy
cause then santa claus will keep all my toys
god it's hard to write a christmas song
your christmas song should use repetition
whether you believe or think it's superstition
doesn't really matter if you've never prayed
just write a catchy chorus and get real paid
christmas songs are in the key of C
the key of commerce and cash money
a trinity of chords and four at the most
if you want it sung from coast to coast
your christmas song had better be simple
so even stupid kids with braces and pimples
can sing it acapella in their parents' cars
or over youth pastor's acoustic guitars
christmas songs are self-reflexive and meta
the more times you use the word christmas, the better
sing about snow and winter and shit
and add some sleigh bells if you really want a hit
[sleigh bells]
goddamn it's hard to write a christmas song
shit i can't say goddamn it's a christmas song
i better not swear like a teenage boy
cause then santa claus will keep all my toys
god it's hard to write a christmas song
[solo]
[end]
posted by mmmbacon at 12:13 PM on December 1, 2009