Um... sorry, but this song might not be about you...

April 29, 2011 3:25 PM

Hey Mefi Musicians! Do you or have you ever had a significant other? Did you feel your songwriting was at all compromised? How do you continue to write the songs you feel you need to write?

I'm having a very hard time phrasing what I mean and have been erasing whole paragraphs over and over. I guess what I'm saying is, how do you not apologize for the songs you write? By no fault of my girlfriends, I feel a pressure and self-censorship to not write sad songs about our relationship or to avoid writing happy songs about other people. My lyrics are basically always ambiguous, non-specific and metaphor-ish, so it's easy to read into them.

But this is an issue for me because songs are probably my main tool for dealing with unhappy emotions. But I'm afraid of my girlfriend hearing/reading these and, like any rational person, deducing they mean I'm unhappy in the relationship. I've told her before that my songs are kind of like therapy, and that I would never try to communicate to her through songs, but I still have been self-censoring for the past year and I think it's frustrating me on a pretty deep level. I hope I'm making myself clear and look forward to hearing what you all have to say about this.
posted by Corduroy (16 comments total) 3 users marked this as a favorite

Has any of your work effected your relationship yet or are you worried that future songs will?
posted by snsranch at 4:21 PM on April 29, 2011


Don't censor yourself. That sounds stupid, but if you've told her they're not about her and she understands that, don't worry about it. If you're communicating with her without song then I think that's the best thing you can do in the relationship. If you have to reassure her, then you can. Just make sure that she knows how you feel and how you write.
posted by sleepy pete at 8:32 PM on April 29, 2011


Hi hon, sleepy pete said I had to come and answer. I should write a song about how he orders me around!

I think you should talk to her about this -- you may be surprised how understanding she is. I'm guessing you guys already talk honestly about your feelings, including your conflicts, and are generally respectful and loving. Autobiographical songs are just a more artistic representation of feelings you already have, so it's likely she already knows about them. Or, if there are things you can't express in any other way than a song, because she loves you she'll appreciate having another window to see you through.

A story: Soon after Hiram and I got married, I started having health problems and one result is that I lost my ability to have kids. It was a strange time for us because we didn't think we wanted them, yet I was so brokenly sad nonetheless. Hiram did not talk about his own feelings, instead focusing on helping me through it (something he generally tends to do anyway).

Later on, he wrote a song called "Carrying the Gold" that was about what happened. The lyrics are mournful and dark especially given that context. The first time I heard it I was astounded, even as Hiram kept apologizing and saying he shouldn't have written or recorded it. But I'm genuinely grateful he did. I'm glad he had an outlet during that sad time, and I'm glad I got deeper insight into his heart. He created something beautiful and worthy out of our common human heartbreak, that otherwise had few redeeming qualities. I also believe that is art's highest purpose.

Your girl knows you're an artist, she loves you, she is strong and so is your relationship. Do both of you a favor and free yourself. It will make your art better, it will satisfy you emotionally, and it will give you another way to talk together, should you want. You can work through any problems should they arise. What you can't do is silence feelings away -- if you avoid exploring them to protect the relationship, you stop having a relationship -- instead, you freeze it into what you suppose is its ideal state. Yet it's supposed to be full of mess and change and disparate feeling -- it's life, and it's love, and it's art. Go make the best of all of it. You're lovely, and you'll be fine.
posted by melissa may at 9:27 PM on April 29, 2011 [3 favorites]


My wife tends to think my songs are about her. Sometimes I'll write stuff that will have autobiographical elements and if it's positive or happy she'll love it but then other times I just create scenarios and if it's negative she'll assume it's also autobiographical...years ago I had a song that talked about suicide and she looked at me like 'why are you writing about THAT?'
I'm weird in that I can put songs online for lots of strangers to hear, or play in a bar or club or whatever, but if I had to sit down and sing a song just me and her, or to any friends or family one-on-one, (excepting my brother who I sometimes play music with)...I couldn't do it. It's just too weird and intimate and embarrassing. "Let me gaze into your eyes and sing you a song about our love..." Can't do it.
So I usually don't mention when I upload songs anywhere and it drives her crazy that she has to find out about stuff on the internet. Usually she loves the songs. Occasionally, and depending on the subject matter, I can see what she's thinking and I'll say, "they're not all about you, you know."
So ya. Writing in that style can be a curse because you want it to feel confessional or biographical but then everyone assumes that it is. Melissa's input is great but I think it becomes a trap to tell your girlfriend what's autobiographical or what's not. You can say to her, "oh, there are only biographical elements in that song" but inevitably she'll read things into it, and who can blame her? It's like "based on a true story." You can't win.
I think the key is to take the feeling of it and turn it into something else. I don't have a problem with obscuring where the meanings come from in my songs. It's sort of my journal, right? And my real life, or someone else's real life that I imagine, is just a jumping-off point to light the fire that let's me create something. That's the art.
posted by chococat at 10:16 PM on April 29, 2011 [1 favorite]


What you can't do is silence feelings away -- if you avoid exploring them to protect the relationship, you stop having a relationship -- instead, you freeze it into what you suppose is its ideal state.

Quoted for truth. very insightful observation, melissa may. There are other very good insights here as well.

And my real life, or someone else's real life that I imagine, is just a jumping-off point to light the fire that let's me create something. That's the art.

That's how I often feel, as well. Taking something autobiographical, especially if it's related to some strong and/or romantic relationship with another person, and working with it in ways that aren't always 100% documenting exactly what happened is, for me, often the way to go. As chocoat says, that is indeed the art.

I guess at 53, I'm rather a bit older than many (all?) the other commenters in this thread, and therefore have (as a simple result of total hours logged on the planet) more experiences to draw on when it comes to songwriting. What I find as I get older is that many of the "relationship-y" songs start to be "about" not just one person, but about a composite person. Perhaps, Corduroy, if you're wary of your girlfriend's feelings about your songwriting, you might mention to her that every word and every line is not necessarily *about* her. It might be "about" a person who really only exists in the song. Or that only a part of her (your girlfriend) may be represented in the person she hears you singing about. perhaps you can let her know that songwriting is not some sort of exact science, just-the-facts-ma'am journalism or something. tell her that you're not carving pronouncements in stone, but rather that you are sketching little pictures on leaves, that blow around in the wind and take on new meanings and relationships as they're tossed about.

At any rate, I think she should trust you to do what you need to do, and not be afraid of what she reads or hears from you. That whatever you're working out in your lyrics is something that needs working out, and that ultimately this is the only really healthy and viable way for you to live and continue in your relationships with not only her but the whole human race!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 1:49 AM on April 30, 2011


I think everyone's had this problem. I think Chococat has it really. The people who appear in songs are composites just as the people who appear in screenplays are. A situation or a relationship is often the spark, but once the song gets going it gets a life of its own. I've probably written about one or two genuinely autobiographical songs in my entire life -- the rest often have elements of reality in them, but often not many.

For example, when I played her Rock, Paper, Scissors my wife asked me "Are you waiting for a train of love that's gone?" and I had to assure her I wasn't.

So anyway my line is that the songs are basically fiction. As the old saying goes, when someone asks you where you got the idea for the song from, you just say "I made it up".
posted by unSane at 6:50 AM on April 30, 2011


First of all, thanks for posting this. I didn't realize this was so common and it definitely is something that has had an effect in what I've written (and not written).

Something funny about this, is that it is not only about the songs that are about other women, as chococat said. My own example is one song I wrote when we were living in Venezuela. In Caracas you have an average weather of 75 F all year round, and it was the first time I had lived somewhere without winters. It sounds idyllic, I know, but after the first year your body kind of reacts to the lack of something it was used to, and you get this sort of nostalgia of winter. So I wrote a song about that and about how pretending to always "be" happy and sunny was unnatural. My girlfriend thought I was depressed and that I wanted to move out. I had to convince her it was more an observation than an expression of my feelings.

So, after that and a couple others I definitely found myself choosing words way too carefully to avoid the explaining. This, as sleepypete and melissa may mentioned above, is a huge mistake, but it's not easy to find a way around it.

After I read your post and everyone's answers I asked my girlfriend about it, and her response was very interesting. She said that it is inevitable to get that feeling, because these things are inevitably autobiographical (in the sense that you cannot write about what you haven't been through or felt, you draw from experience, as flapjax noted). So, being something autobiographical turns songs into things that come from somewhere unknown, secret and mysterious. Foreign. And for that reason it can be troubling to find yourself faced with that side of someone you love and have a deep relationship with.

She said that one good way around this, perhaps, would be to take the time to dissect a few of the songs with her. Explain her where they came from, what they are about. The things you left out. She said that after a few songs, your girlfriend will realize that these things are harmless and that even if they are about someone else, they are not a threat, they are just songs. Most likely, after the first couple of songs she'll be too busy to do this every time and you won't have to do it again.

She said, and this is a good point, that we cannot just "plant" a conclusion on someone, so if you just come to your GF and say "hey, they are just songs, they are harmless, and this one in particular isn't about you" it won't work, because she has to come to that conclusion herself, and that is the purpose of that process of dissecting a few songs with her. She'll get to know them, and stop "fearing" or being troubled by them.

I think her response sums up pretty well what she and I went through. I saw myself in the need of dissecting a few of the songs with her, and if I had to that with every song I write, I would just stop writing songs, because explaining and analyzing each song would just feel like going through customs every single time, and that is definitely no way to live. But what actually happened with us is that it gave her the chance to relax about it, and these days she just takes songs for what they are. Now sometimes she just listens to them and doesn't really ask where they came from or what they are about.
posted by micayetoca at 8:26 AM on April 30, 2011


Great responses everyone. Reassuring to hear other people's experiences with this. I showed this thread to Leah (my girlfriend), and it resulted in a really good talk. Feeling much better, even wrote an original song for the first time in what feels like forever.

Thanks everyone.
posted by Corduroy at 5:16 PM on April 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


Corduroy, unleashed!
posted by sleepy pete at 10:29 PM on April 30, 2011


heh heh!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 8:01 AM on May 1, 2011


The easy way out of this, as I can personally verify, is to write music that your missus/girlfriend/partner/dog hates. My wife never hears my stuff. Absolutely zero interest. Same with my kids. None of my friends are musicians, so no problem there. Consequently cross-examination over the fact that I appear to be writing about a string of mistresses and doomed extra-marital affairs never arises. And as for the drugs and hookers - least said the better. Whew!

....I'm kidding, I'm kidding/>
posted by MajorDundee at 11:45 AM on May 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


Yes I had a lot of trouble with this in my last relationship! - I felt quite stifled by it. I think it was compounded by actual issues with the relationship as well.

I think it was part of the reason why I barely wrote a single song for 2 years. It is just hard to explain to a current lover why you are writing a song about something that happened with you and a particular girlfriend from say highschool.. but occasionally thats just where the muse takes you..

I find I often write songs more about a mood or feeling than a 'person' which can lead down into the vaults for inspiration.. I've often had trouble explaining why this is to the partner.
posted by mary8nne at 6:39 AM on May 3, 2011


This is why I tend to stick with purely mundane subjects (like moving, going to the DMV, or trying to get rid of cockroaches) or vague sci-fi plots. That and I don't know how to write sad songs.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 11:40 AM on May 6, 2011


But this is an issue for me because songs are probably my main tool for dealing with unhappy emotions.

Heh, for me it's far more likely at this point that when I write a song about unhappy emotions or situations or whatnot it's not even me dealing with personal stuff at all but just literally mucking around in the rich pool of materials that is the complicated/conflicted emotional landscape of the human condition or whatever. So it's kind of an easy thing for me: most of the stuff is literally me writing a story.

I don't really know how to do happy songs. Funny songs is one thing, but that's its own angle; I'm not sure I've ever really sat down and been like, "you know, shit is great, here's a song about that" even though I'm pretty happy indeed with how shit is. It just doesn't happen for me so much.

But, yeah, the whole thinking-about-what-your-SO-will-think thing it's totally a thing, and I feel like mostly what's made it work out okay over the years with me and Secretariat is that there's just never been a weird counter-example where I was secretly actually being a dumbass and writing a song about something I wouldn't talk about. And as folks have said and as you clearly get already, that's really the only showstoppingly bad problem: sublimating shit you should be talking about into a song instead is a pretty bad idea.

My biggest error of this sort was actually writing a song about my frustration with another guy in a band I was in instead of just like being, hey, dude, I'm frustrated and we should talk about it. Especially when I demoed the song for the band and got no bites, because I was left wondering if they were just like eh, not right for the band, or if they on the one hand thought it was pretty good but on the other hand everybody totally knew exactly what was going on there and there was just a Let Us Never Speak Of This Again thing communicated with mindrays.

Other than that, pretty much the only regrets I have about semi-autobiographical songs are that I wrote most of them when I was like 16-19 and they were not the best-crafted stuff I've done. Which, hey, if it's songwriting-as-therapy, it doesn't have to be good.
posted by cortex at 4:07 PM on May 9, 2011


I'm kind of lucky with this- my wife's a writer, so we have kind of a bilateral agreement not to read too much into each others' artistic outputs. That comes in handy.

I've had a weird variant of this problem, though- for about four years, I did a webcomic about a band that wasn't going anywhere. I worked really, really hard to make sure that there was no 1:1 map between stuff going on in the strip and stuff going on in my band, but I still had to more or less weekly tell the guys, "no, that wasn't supposed to be you," or "it was just a coincidence that I did a storyline about the Awesome Boys losing their practice space right as we were losing ours" (and yeah, it really was a coincidence!).
posted by COBRA! at 11:06 AM on May 11, 2011


Ahhh I feel you man. I rap/ sing and I use my music to express my emotions all the time. If I'm angry I talk about it in a song. Many times, I have written a song about my girlfriend. Some of them, not so favorable towards her. But she knows how I am about music. I just told her, "Look not every song I write is about you. But some of them are. I use music as an outlet. I write what I feel and don't care what is said." Let her know that censoring your music would hurt you in the long run. Communication and expression of emotion and feelings is very important to an artist. And when you take that away, not much is left. She should understand the art and realize that it's not all about her. Good luck man!
posted by dapperkoala at 11:31 AM on June 18, 2011


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