No Spoilers

November 1, 2016 10:36 PM

A song (accompanied by accordion) about past, current and future(?) events. May or may not be helpful for election obsessives. Spoiler warning: spoilers.


TFW you're reading a book
Or trying to look for
A series to binge-watch in the evenings after work
Some guy goes online
(And let's face it, it's always a guy)
And gives away the story while he's wearing a smirk
And often the bro says "It's your fault, you know:
Don't go on social media the night they air the show."
Or maybe he said "Baby you should have read
A Song of Ice and Fire, then you'd know that Ned got beheaded."
So you take a deep breath, imagine his death
But leave all your objections unsaid
Because Dumbledore is dead
And Rosebud was just a sled, but no spoilers, no spoilers.

I was in the fourth grade, I was raised from the cradle
On Star Wars, the first movie that I ever had seen
It was 1983, I had tickets to see
Return of the Jedi with my family
This story's kind of grotesque, there was a kid at my desk
We were talking 'bout the movie, speculating 'bout the plot
And breathlessly he said to me, "I read the book,
They throw a twister!
Turns out Princess Leia is actually Luke's sister!"
So I took a deep breath, and imagined the new Death Star
In an effort not to feel quite so sad
Because Vader is Luke's dad
And the prequels are gonna be bad, but no spoilers, no spoilers.

(Fast forward ten years to) 1993, I read Spy Magazine,
I liked their snarky sense of humor and their journalistic style
They'd write about this chump, his name was Donald-something
His ignorance and hair were something to be reviled
He was a bigot and a fool, petty tyrant and a tool
But they gave him a platform and he grew and grew and grew
This spring he might be President of you and me
If we can't get our shit together and vote for Hillary
It can be enthusiastic, or you can hold your nose
Just know that it's our only way of shutting down some bros
And if you're thinking "I can't vote for her, it would demean us!"
Congratulations on your very straight Caucasian penis.
But if you're brown or you're queer, we're fucking quaking in fear
So if nothing else just think of your friends
And Dumbledore's still dead
Vote for Hil or the world will end
But no spoilers
No spoilers

posted by donatella (2 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

You've done a good thing here.
posted by TheNegativeInfluence at 10:28 PM on November 3, 2016

This is really great and also kind of a hell of a thing to listen to after the election.
posted by cortex at 9:23 AM on November 29, 2016

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