Jaylen (Please Don't Bean My Man)

September 17, 2020 12:02 PM

A song about brought-back-from-the-dead Blaseball pitcher Jaylen Hotdogfingers whose beanballs now convey a deadly and contagious ailment to anyone she hits. Lyrics by @phasmantistes, and apologies once again to Dolly Parton.

The context: Jaylen Hotdogfingers of the Seattle Garages was the first Blaseball player killed by a rogue umpire, incinerated in season 2. But then she was, through a complicated stunt of unexpected necromancy, brought back. Changed. Carrying a debt.

When she hits a batter, they become Unstable. When they're unstable, they're far more likely to be incinerated by a rogue umpire, as Jaylen herself once was. And once thus incinerated, their instability passes to another player. And another, a deadly kudzu that has claimed several lives already this season.

Going up against Jaylen is a terror for all involved. Please don't bean them, Jaylen. Please don't bean my man.

posted by cortex (3 comments total) 7 users marked this as a favorite

Lyrics:

Jaylen, Jaylen, Jaylen, Jaylen
I'm begging of you please don't bean my man
Jaylen, Jaylen, Jaylen, Jaylen
Please don't bean them just because you can

Your pitching is beyond compare
But we can't understand from where
Your power came, nor how it works, nor when

Your face is like a steely mask
As you complete your fated task
And we are all afraid of you
Jaylen

They talk about you on the street
They whisper that our dreadful feat
Of necromancy scarred your soul
Jaylen

And every batter fears to face
Your lighting pitch, your hotdog ace
But most of all they fear your bean
Jaylen

Jaylen, Jaylen, Jaylen, Jaylen
I'm begging of you please don't bean my man
Jaylen, Jaylen, Jaylen, Jaylen
Please don't bean them just because you can

Those you mark are cursed to burn
Their lives are taken out of turn
We curse the gods and cry your name
Jaylen

We pray that when your debt is paid
At last your tortured soul be laid
To rest within the empty void
Jaylen

Jaylen, Jaylen, Jaylen, Jaylen
I'm begging of you please don't bean my man
Jaylen, Jaylen, Jaylen, Jaylen
Please don't bean them even though you can
Jaylen, Jaylen

posted by cortex at 12:03 PM on September 17 [1 favorite]


This is magnificent. A+.
posted by CrystalDave at 12:09 PM on September 17


holy cow
posted by rifflesby at 12:24 PM on September 17


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