Punch 'Em In The Dick (NSFW lyrics)

Crunk/Southern Club style head banging high energy hip hop track. All vocals by my normal collaberator, Juicy Karkass, and his buddy Savior of Animal Farm

It's about punching people in dicks.

(Get Flash to see the track player.)
posted by mediocre (179 comments total)

I wanted to hate this, I wanted to have nothing to say, but how can you hate a song with so much dick-punching? Comes across more juggalo than crunk to me, though. And there ain't nothing wrong with that.
posted by uncleozzy at 5:39 AM on August 1

Oh sweet Jesus, I would much prefer just Southern Club style or something if it must be pigeonholed.. please no Juggalo..
posted by mediocre at 5:42 AM on August 1

Hey man, I calls it like I sees it.
posted by uncleozzy at 5:49 AM on August 1

Well I don't know the bylaws or statutes that Juggalos operate under, nor do I have any understanding or desire to be a part of their culture. But what little information I have gathered from newspaper articles would seem to indicate that you can't be a Juggalo unless you self identify as Juggalo..

So this is just Hip Hop, man.
posted by mediocre at 6:01 AM on August 1

The maniacal, sweaty insistence with which "punch em in the dick" is proclaimed delivers an overall sense of eagerness and self-satisfaction -- like a punch in the dick is a punch line to life (or a certain lifestyle, perhaps?). Then I end up imagining that I'm on a double blind date with the sister of an annoying co-worker: co-worker and co-worker's girlfriend, co-worker's sister and me. We go to this club and meet up with co-worker/ co-worker's sisters cousin. He's the guy singing this song.
posted by February28 at 6:58 AM on August 1 [2 favorites]

I think this song is bigger than any of us.
posted by dobie at 7:24 AM on August 1 [4 favorites]

This song is what all music has been building up to these thousands of years.
posted by not_on_display at 7:33 AM on August 1 [7 favorites]

Dude this is awesome, I'm gonna burn this to cd now and bump it in my car.
posted by BrnP84 at 8:57 AM on August 1

This is actually the exact kind of thing one of my buddies wants to do, his hook line is "If the bitch actin up, kick the hoe in the shin" w/ kick the hoe in the shin being repeated over and over. His other song is called "DUB D Fo Tee" which raps about all the things you can put WD40 on.
posted by BrnP84 at 9:25 AM on August 1 [2 favorites]

I've got, somewhere, a really lousy hip-hop goof about murdering tranny hookers and being knee-deep in their blood that rhymes "ballgown" with "balls down" and "cargo" with "car, ho." I'm not proud of any of these facts.

This is a much better song than that.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:35 AM on August 1

[NOT TRANNY HOOKER-IST]
posted by uncleozzy at 9:35 AM on August 1

This song punched my ears in the dick. Finally, something with which to silence all the critics who insist that hip-hop is creatively bankrupt.
posted by sleevener at 10:31 AM on August 1 [4 favorites]

something with which to silence all the critics who insist that hip-hop is creatively bankrupt

Something like a Dickpunch?
posted by mediocre at 11:02 AM on August 1 [1 favorite]

Thia is a glorious thing.
posted by arcanecrowbar at 11:02 AM on August 1

This, rather
posted by arcanecrowbar at 11:03 AM on August 1

Thia is a glorious thing ... This, rather

I dunno, you might've been right the first time.

And, hey, mediocre, nice piece of Juggalo here!

*ducks*
posted by flapjax at midnite at 6:27 PM on August 1

Hahah... the best thing about this is that it's actually really well done. It's taken all the way and for that you deserve a lot of respect. I mean that in terms of production and vocal delivery and even lyrically. You weren't lazy with the lyrics, you took it to creative places. I fear this will stick to my brain and I'll go around singing this to myself and hopefully nobody else.
posted by edlundart at 10:20 PM on August 1 [2 favorites]

I can't believe I went my whole life without having heard this song until this moment.
posted by Astro Zombie at 8:56 AM on August 3 [11 favorites]

I would never have heard this song if I hadn't said "hey, let's play cribbage and listen to whatever's on the music.metafilter player". This is a great song to play cribbage to.
posted by Secretariat at 9:53 PM on August 3 [2 favorites]

What Secretariat said. We totally lost our shit for a couple minutes there, it took her forever to drop her crib cards so we could finish the hand.

Seriously, this was the best part of my week. I'm trying to decide whether or not to send it to my mom just to see if she's paying attention.
posted by cortex at 10:09 PM on August 3 [1 favorite]

Gave me the penis envy real bad.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:15 PM on August 3

Seriously, this was the best part of my week.

Wow, praise from Cesar..
posted by mediocre at 10:31 PM on August 3

Excuse me, I need to find my athletic cup.
posted by dw at 10:33 PM on August 3

this is making rounds to whoever is online on my buddy list...
posted by mrzarquon at 10:46 PM on August 3

(downside, submitting comment stops music...)
posted by mrzarquon at 10:46 PM on August 3

If I liked this kind of song I would really like this song. Just the right amount of dick-punching.
posted by Knappster at 11:01 PM on August 3

This is the song that will be played at my funeral.
posted by naju at 11:53 PM on August 3 [12 favorites]

And wedding.
posted by naju at 11:54 PM on August 3 [6 favorites]

I especially like the NWA reference - "with a right, left, right left you're DICK PUNCHED!". Also, "I punched God in the dick, I punched Mary (?) in the dick, I punched Jesus Christ in the dick" is probably the greatest line in any song ever.

PUNCH 'EM IN THE DICK (BLAAAAAH)
posted by DecemberBoy at 1:13 AM on August 4

I am so happy now.
posted by cgc373 at 1:37 AM on August 4

I have tried my hand at doing the ironic/funny rap thing, (as have many white men in the 18-30 demographic, I expect) but you so win at this game.

This is SO going right between lil' jon and the ying yang twins on the next "loud and silly rap songs o listen to in my car when I want people to stare at me for being weird and jammin' hard with my windows up" mix CD I make.
And every following CD I ever burn, ever.
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 6:45 AM on August 4

This will go great on the Christmas mix CDs we exchange at work.
posted by ardgedee at 6:56 AM on August 4 [1 favorite]

Finally another entry for my all-dick Mixtape next to My Dick.
posted by frenetic at 7:10 AM on August 4

I just got to the verse proclaiming the MC's policy of gender-neutral dick-punching.

I have not laughed so hard in weeks.

This song is the apex of human civilization.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 7:15 AM on August 4

Great work. Loved the "you're in trouble" / "urine trouble" line.
posted by porn in the woods at 7:35 AM on August 4

That was dicktacular.
posted by RokkitNite at 8:22 AM on August 4

Can't wait for Tori Amos/Alanis Morissette/Natalie Portman to cover this.
posted by tula at 8:25 AM on August 4 [1 favorite]

Fantastic. I was looking for something to help me articulate my feelings vis-à-vis punching and dicks, and I think this will work nicely for that.

Thanks!
posted by quin at 8:37 AM on August 4 [3 favorites]

I laughed until I cried. Then, for some reason, I just kept right on crying, curled up all fetal ball and shit.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 8:55 AM on August 4

A new dance craze is sweeping across America...
posted by Edible Energy at 9:18 AM on August 4

I don't know what to say. It's... it's... beautiful.
posted by eyeballkid at 9:33 AM on August 4

Did I just get deleted from MeFiMusic? Cute.
posted by tellurian at 9:42 AM on August 4

Reminded me of this.
posted by Demogorgon at 10:00 AM on August 4

I feel inspired. I have to go to work in, like, five minutes, so it'll probably wear off, but i'm totally feeling inspired right now.
posted by zorrine at 11:08 AM on August 4

Did I just get deleted from MeFiMusic? Cute.

I don't see any deletion activity in Music today; maybe drop me an email with details or take it over to the metatalk thread?
posted by cortex at 11:38 AM on August 4

Lyrics please!
posted by dgaicun at 12:01 PM on August 4

"Scrotum? Hell, I damn near killed 'em!"

Awesome. Just awesome.
posted by Rock Steady at 12:04 PM on August 4

Yeah, OK, I was all going to be too cool to like this but my cool gave out somewhere around the Dalai Lama.
posted by Wolfdog at 1:25 PM on August 4

I am bring this to Sunday's Friends' meeting! They will love it.
posted by everichon at 1:27 PM on August 4

Grammar not so much to working, today.
posted by everichon at 1:30 PM on August 4

I was going to cry sexism, until they punched Condoleezza Rice in the dick. That makes it all fine and dandy.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 1:38 PM on August 4

Ugh! I can't believe I listened twice. This is so awfultastic.
posted by cowbellemoo at 1:53 PM on August 4

Congrats on the side bar action!!!!!!!!!! AWESOMES!!!!!!!!1!!
posted by snsranch at 2:03 PM on August 4

Fucking tremendous.
posted by xmutex at 3:13 PM on August 4

This gets me pumped as shit.
posted by Nattie at 4:07 PM on August 4

God damn, this is freakishly awesome.
posted by chimaera at 4:23 PM on August 4

Whoa, mediocre, that song is about some serious *rage*. It reminded me a bit of the rage release of Marianne Faithfull's brilliant Why’d Ya Do It ? NSFW YouTube. NSFW

Can't help thinking your song will become a global hit. It's excellently sung and the music is very listenable. Congratulations.
posted by nickyskye at 4:28 PM on August 4

As I listen to this again, I'm struck by how much this sounds like some of the music used on Robot Chicken.

And I mean that as the highest compliment.
posted by quin at 5:08 PM on August 4

"Punch his ass right in the dick" is pretty brill. Thumbs up.
posted by wemayfreeze at 6:56 PM on August 4

i've little use for hip hop but i can't stop listening to this.
posted by quonsar at 7:06 PM on August 4

I love Metafilter. So much.
posted by anifinder at 8:54 PM on August 4

I finally got around to listening to this, and I'm smiling from ear to ear. Nice work!

/goes off to think about how to make a TF2 video worthy of this music...
posted by gemmy at 9:08 PM on August 4

You and Ayn Rand, man. Outstanding.
posted by ikkyu2 at 9:13 PM on August 4

I cannot stop listening to this.
posted by not_on_display at 9:47 PM on August 4

Some day I'm going to switch out my boss's irritating emo playlist for one comprised solely of this on repeat. He will either love or take it as the warning it actually is.


(BLAHHHH!)
posted by katillathehun at 10:59 PM on August 4

Crunk for a punk's junk!

I'm-a go practice some low, low uppercuts now.
posted by ignignokt at 1:52 AM on August 5

Is it just me, or does anyone else think this song owes a certain something to Snoop and Pharrell?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 5:58 AM on August 5

Oh, I'm going to play this at work tomorrow.

Oh the young "dudes" are going be be all

"Woah, mattoxic, respect man, we thought you were a small fat bald guy, but you're actually awesome and shit"

and I'm gonna be like "yeah"
posted by mattoxic at 7:20 AM on August 5 [7 favorites]

You need to get this song up on iTunes. Your asses will be rich. Fucking awesome yo.
posted by chunking express at 7:49 AM on August 5

Alright, guess I gotta be the one to transcribe this shit:



Punch 'em in the dick
(What)
Punch 'em in the dick
(What)
Fuckers talk shit
I'ma punch 'em in the dick
(Bow!)
Punch 'em in the diiiiick
Punch 'em in the diiiiick
Motherfuckers talk shit
I'ma punch 'em in the dick

Yo look at that chump
See the way that he struts
Don't kick him in the rump
Go nuts on his nuts
Just pop a squat
Start lettin' off the shots
Like knock knock knock
Just coldcocked his cock
Yo, to all the cock-knockers
Nut-crackers
Ball-breakers
Peter-beaters
Keep on boxing your baby makers
With a sock to the jock
Better make that a double
Just a couple of rounds of knuckles
Beneath the buckle and he'll buckle
If you're in trouble
Give him some urine trouble
Hand him his balls
And tell him better learn to juggle
Turn his pebbles into rubble
Make him wonder what might've been
Make it so the South will never rise again

Now every man claims to be the toughest and the meanest
Watch your crocks, because soon the losers will be your weenus
And the winners in all the gladiator arenas
Are always the ones that go straight for the penis

So punch 'em in the dick
(What)
Punch 'em in the dick
(What)
Motherfucker talk shit
I'ma punch 'em in the dick
(B'low!)
Punch 'em in the diiiiick
Punch 'em in the diiiiick
Motherfucker talk shit
I'ma punch 'em in the dick

Punch 'em in the dick
(What)
Punch 'em in the dick
(What)
Motherfucker talk shit
I'ma punch 'em in the dick
(Bow!)
Punch 'em in the diiiiick
Punch 'em in the diiiiick
You motherfuckers talk shit
I'ma punch 'em in the dick

I'll give your willy a welt
Like you ain't never felt
Soon as I'm knelt
I'ma pelt you below the belt
Like Bang!
Bust em' in the wang
Like it ain't no thang
Now you really can't hang

But you ain't gotta be a dude
Shit, I'll dick-punch a chick
Because I don't discriminate
When I punch em' in the dick
Whether Suzie Homemaker or a floozy home-wrecker
I'ma deck'er in the pecker, mother-fecker

It could be your mama
Better be no drama
You could be the Dalai llama
I'ma still put it on ya
With a right, left, right, left
Yo dick punched
Then you say Goddam, my shit's crunched
Scrotum? I damn near killed 'em
I capped him in (?) the boner, man
Forget about children
You ain't got enough kung-fu to bust some ninja shit
Fuck Sun-Tzu, you want to learn the Art of Won

Punch 'em in the dick
(What)
Punch 'em in the dick
(What)
Motherfuckers talk shit
Straight punch 'em in the dick
(B'low!)
Punch 'em in the diiiiick
Punch 'em in the diiiiick
You motherfuckers talk shit
Straight punch 'em in the dick

Punch 'em in the dick
(What)
Punch 'em in the dick
(What)
Motherfuckers talk shit
Straight punch 'em in the dick
(B'ow!)
Punch 'em in the diiiiick
Punch 'em in the diiiiick
You motherfuckers talk shit
Punch 'em in the dick

We
Got
A brand new dance
Called punch his ass right in the dick

We
Got
A brand new dance
Called punch his ass right in the dick

Any of you snotty kids be talkin' shit
I'ma drop a fist on your naughty bits
I got punches a'plentiful
You bet your rear-end it'll sting
When I start swingin' on your genitals
Because then it'll swell up all out of proportion
Lookin' like an eggplant forced into your foreskin
Nevermind abortion
Forget vasectomy
I got your birth-control... B'low!
Nut-check, homey

I punched God in the dick
I punched Mary in the dick
I punched Jesus Christ in the dick
Yo, I punched Cheney in the dick
I punched Powell in his colon
I punched George in his Bush
I punched Condoleezza Rice in the diiiiiick

Punch 'em in the dick
(What)
Punch 'em in the dick
(What)
Motherfuckers talk shit
Straight punch 'em in the dick
(B'low!)
Punch 'em in the diiiiick
Punch 'em in the diiiiick
You motherfuckers talk shit
What, I'ma punch 'em in the dick
Blaaah!

Punch 'em in the dick
(Ungh)
Punch 'em in the dick
(Ungh)
Motherfuckers talk shit
Straight punch 'em in the dick
Blaaah!

Punch 'em in the diiiiick
Punch 'em in the diiiiick
Motherfuckers talk shit
Yo, punch 'em in the dick

Gonna punch 'em in the dick
Watch me punch 'em in the dick
Love to punch 'em in the dick
Born to punch 'em in the dick
Forever punch 'em in the dick
Sucker punch 'em in the dick
Fruit punch 'em in the dick
Hawaiian punch 'em in the motherfuckin' diiiick
posted by dgaicun at 8:31 AM on August 5 [55 favorites]

Gotta know, were you at all inspired by CB4's "Sweat of My Balls?"
posted by ferociouskitty at 8:45 AM on August 5 [1 favorite]

You saved me some work, dgaicun. Cheers.
posted by cortex at 8:58 AM on August 5

Very helpful, dgaicun -- I do think the lyric

"Watch your crocks, because soon the losers will be your weenus"

should be

"Watch your crotch, because soon the losers will be the weiners."

As excellent a term as weenus is, I don't think it's in use here..
posted by lumensimus at 9:33 AM on August 5

I have been dick punching for two days now. Can we get some press packs?
posted by Jofus at 9:41 AM on August 5 [2 favorites]

Not that this isn't already perfect exactly as it is, but if you are ever of a mind to expand the lyrics to beyond men and women to the animal kingdom, you might consider a line like "I whaled on Moby's Dick."
posted by donpedro at 12:11 PM on August 5 [1 favorite]

So glad this showed up in the sidebar. This song made me punch myself in the dick.
posted by trip and a half at 12:13 PM on August 5 [1 favorite]

Fuck, this had to hit the sidebar the day before I go back to work. The half of my coworkers who already know me will expect it; the other half will hate me forever.

Thanks a lot, mediocre! I think.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 2:03 PM on August 5

I agree with lumensimus about that correction.

"I capped him in (?) the boner, man" I think is actually, "I done capped you in the boner, man"

"Art of Won" should be "Art of War."

One quibble... when transcribing Southern rap, I much prefer the spelling "Blao!" (There is an "l" in the sound. Consult your Ludacris CDs!)

Anyway, thanks for typing it out. :-)
posted by Nattie at 3:02 PM on August 5

TEXT "DICK" TO 888-METAFILTER TO GET THIS RINGTONE!!!
posted by Demogorgon at 3:42 PM on August 5 [16 favorites]

Please tell me someone has emailed this thing of great beauty to The owner of Murky Coffee .
posted by stagewhisper at 4:04 PM on August 5

I almost cried. This is a thing of beauty and a joy forever.
posted by fiercecupcake at 4:32 PM on August 5 [1 favorite]

Gracias por las correcciones
posted by dgaicun at 5:56 PM on August 5

dgaicun, nice work. I like the Dalai llama typo.
posted by nickyskye at 6:40 PM on August 5

Great idea Demogorgon!

For reals: text "meta" to 41411.

Sorry, but I'm pretty sure that's USA only.
posted by nonmyopicdave at 11:52 AM on August 6

This is absolutely, achingly, 100% the only possible treatment of the phrase "Punch 'em in the Dick" that could ever be used to create a successful song*. Holy crap. Nice work.

other musicians, don't hesitate to take that as a challenge
posted by davejay at 2:39 PM on August 6

Um, I really really really want to see a video of this. Perhaps there needs to be a mefi music challenge: create a video for Punch 'em in the Dick.
posted by davejay at 2:50 PM on August 6 [2 favorites]

Okay, I finally listened to it, and ... yeah. Nice work. Get it on iTunes you 'll be posed to profit off it once this spreads to the rest of the web.
posted by Bookhouse at 2:57 PM on August 6

Beautiful. Wonderful. Dickpuncheriffic!

This will now be on every mix I make forevermore...
posted by rollbiz at 3:21 PM on August 6

Any chance you can release the a capella?
I'm calling dibs on the chiptune remix...
posted by naju at 4:56 PM on August 6

Add me to the "no use for hip-hop and was fully prepared to hate it" group, but this is now on my personal short list of the best thing ever of any kind at all.
posted by George_Spiggott at 10:16 PM on August 6

My God, it's beautiful.

NSFW, yet so terribly work-appropriate.
posted by louche mustachio at 5:14 AM on August 7

The official music video.
posted by dgaicun at 7:01 AM on August 7

I assume that's not really official. It has a lame [NSFW] image; takes ages to load and quite frankly, ADDS NOTHING. I would expect expect a C & D from mediocre in short order.
posted by tellurian at 8:26 AM on August 7

That's right, doubly Expect.
posted by tellurian at 8:30 AM on August 7

mediocre, if you come up with a good video for this song, you could own YouTube. Srsly.
posted by obvious at 9:22 AM on August 7

Seriously, this is a thing of brilliance. A million gold stars for pushing it on every level, production values especially. I caught myself singing it while cycling past cows and bunnies and little birds in the sunshine.
posted by carbide at 11:25 AM on August 7

I'd love to make a video, but the closest thing to video equipment I have is a half broken VHS camcorder from the late 80's.
posted by mediocre at 2:38 PM on August 7

please make that vhs camcorder video!
posted by joelf at 4:30 PM on August 7 [1 favorite]

Surely there's someone with the skills and inclination here on Mefi who could collaborate on a video with mediocre.
posted by Bookhouse at 5:04 PM on August 7

Here's a flow chart which I hope accurately describes the message of this song.
posted by shii at 5:52 PM on August 7 [9 favorites]

Bravo, my friend.
posted by ColdChef at 8:15 PM on August 7

Wow.

Infectious hook, hilarious subject, and clever lyrics.

This is either an entirely new sub-genre of hip-hop, or it is actually a Weird Al song.

Seriously, this is simply fantastic.

It could be your mamma
Better be no drama
You could be the Dalai Lama
I'ma still put it on ya

That's fucking poetry.
posted by Ynoxas at 9:36 PM on August 7

Nice! CB4's "Sweat from my Balls", Black Sheep's "U Mean I'm Not", CB4's "Straight Outta Locash" - this song isn't as good as any of those, and it's definitely ICP and not crunk (and definitely not a new sub-genre).

The Hawaiian Punch and some of the other lines were awesome though, so it was worth a listen. This would have made a great SNL skit.
posted by cashman at 7:12 AM on August 8

Bust em' in the wang
Like it ain't no thang

Can I get this on a t-shirt?
posted by cazoo at 10:31 AM on August 8

Just wanna say that I would never have listened to this if not for the podcast, but, yeah, I laughed my ass off.
posted by fixedgear at 2:23 PM on August 8

http://www.break.com/index/self-defense-dorks.html

@ 04:36

this needs to be in the video, if its ever made.
posted by joeblough at 4:27 PM on August 8

ok, here's a link
posted by joeblough at 4:28 PM on August 8

Man, jon's moustache is really getting out of hand.
posted by cortex at 4:49 PM on August 8 [1 favorite]

Get a camcorder. Shoot yourselves punching each other in the dick in various places, while listening to a copy of the song that's slowed down to 50% speed. Dump the footage into a computer and speed it up by 200%. Add the music back in. You have your video. DO IT NOW.
posted by davejay at 5:45 PM on August 8

Dude.. way easier said then done..

I remind everyone this was all done on an emachines laptop.. The idea of video editing on this thing is laughable at best..
posted by mediocre at 6:22 PM on August 8

Okay, I want to brainstorm ideas for a video..

My simple, unoriginal idea:

Video opens with an unremarkable person being called up for a karaoke song. The song, is Punch 'Em In The Dick. Once the song starts, the footage intercuts between several different people performing the song karaoke style. Some really calm and demure people, some really over the top excited drunken types, really represent the types of people you typically find at a karaoke bar.

Occasionally, the video cuts to the same stage, except with Juicy Karkass, Savior, myself, and a whole crew of people on stage performing concert-style for a group of rowdy kids. Back and forth between the karaoke performers and the actual performers.

This could probably be done in a single afternoon in a single room, which is why I thought of the idea.. anything that can be done quickly and easily..

Any ideas, people?
posted by mediocre at 7:25 PM on August 8

Any ideas, people?

Yeah - I like your video idea! Hey wait - nobody gets punched in the dick in it?!?! You should solicit people to submit their pictures and videos of them getting punched in the dick(area). Don't even need faces. But somebody - somebody has to get punched in the dick!

I remind everyone this was all done on an emachines laptop.

You definitely get respect for that. Damn.
posted by cashman at 10:02 PM on August 8

But somebody - somebody has to get punched in the dick!

Try Craigslist. I'm pretty sure you can find someone that will pay to be punched in the dick. Repeatedly. Consider it an exercise in creative financing.
posted by loquacious at 5:38 AM on August 9 [2 favorites]

I like the karoake/concert idea. Especially if you don't show anyone getting dick punched. Because everyone will be waiting for it. Surely they've got to show at least one person getting dick punched?! Then at the end, you should just have one guy walk up to the mic to take his turn wearing a rubber Dick Cheney mask, and then punch him in the face. Now that's what I call a punch line.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:47 AM on August 9

This is the first/only Mefi Music track I've actually downloaded and put on my mp3 player.
posted by loquacious at 3:35 PM on August 9

Well, here's a slightly higher quality version for people who want to download a copy..
posted by mediocre at 3:39 PM on August 9

If there was a video of this, it could take the place of Rickroll. Dickroll!

I don't usually like this kind of stuff, but this is fantastic. Hilarious, catchy, oh so poetic. Not to mention cathartic.
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 3:48 PM on August 9

It just hit me.

If there is a video, the song needs a dance. A sort of low low uppercut to the rhythm of the chorus..
posted by mediocre at 5:46 PM on August 9

It just hit me.

But did it punch you in the dick?
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 7:05 PM on August 9

I sent your song, and this thread, to a Portland filmmaker for whom I've done score work. Unfortunately he replied with HL Mencken's "Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public."

Not his thing, I guess.

Keep networking and I'll bet you find someone willing and able to make a video for you!
posted by nonmyopicdave at 8:08 PM on August 10

I was going to say that this wasn't nearly as funny as it thought it was until

We
Got
A brand new dance
Called punch his ass right in the dick

at which point all resistance melted away. Great work.
posted by Damn That Television at 9:28 PM on August 10

I'm definitely trying to network myself a filmmaker with equipment and time to donate to the cause..

Filmmakers, students, anyone with video equipment and the time.. MeMail me!
posted by mediocre at 9:31 PM on August 10

Everybody comparing this to some ICP shit needs a straight punch in the dick.
posted by afu at 12:39 AM on August 11 [1 favorite]

It's just not that crunk (the genre, not the song), I think was kind of the issue. please don't punch me in the dick.
posted by cashman at 11:35 AM on August 11

OMG . Just wow. and so fantastic. and my new ringtone.
posted by BrodieShadeTree at 4:04 PM on August 11

Can we play this at our wedding?
posted by desjardins at 8:17 PM on August 11

Oh my god this is hilarious.

Sell this on iTunes and retire by the end of the month.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 9:00 PM on August 11

This shit is so good I want to get a video camera and direct a video for it.
posted by mathowie at 10:03 PM on August 11 [1 favorite]

Fly us to.. *click*

Oregon?

Let's do this!
posted by mediocre at 1:17 AM on August 12

That is exactly how a song called "punch 'em in the dick" should sound.

I'm not kidding, my imagination had concocted it's own version of this song before I'd heard it, when I saw the link in the sidebar. And strangely enough my imagined version was pretty much exactly the same as the real thing.

If that doesn't indicate you're on to a sure thing Mediocre, I don't know what does.
posted by nudar at 1:24 AM on August 12 [1 favorite]

I insist this be the theme for the MeFi 10th Anniversary Party.
posted by jessamyn at 1:42 PM on August 12 [4 favorites]

No matter how many times I listen, I can't hear that one line as anything else except "I don't care if you live in Boulder, man, forget about children" and I wonder what it is about Boulder, CO that makes men so preternaturally virile.
posted by danb at 8:55 PM on August 12

All right, just got a message from Juicy Karkass who informed me the line is:

"I don't care if you live in Bodom man, forget about Children."

It's a slam on the Finnish band Children Of Bodom, who are a bit of a steaming pile of a band.. a shoutout for the lonhairs..
posted by mediocre at 6:36 AM on August 14

This must be one of the longer MeMu threads. A punch in the dick of MeFiMusic, so to say.
posted by ersatz at 6:12 AM on August 16

Dude. Someone should make a YouTube video with this song featuring Captain Falcon from Super Smash Bros. doing a series of Falcon Punches. That would be kickass.
posted by luckypuck at 3:39 AM on August 17 [1 favorite]

Holy shit. Holy shit. This is my new favorite song ever. Thank you, mediocre!
posted by EatTheWeak at 8:22 AM on August 17

I'd like to thank everyone at MetaFilter for making "Punch 'Em In The Dick" the most Favorited track of ALL TIME!
posted by mediocre at 6:26 PM on August 17

The Children of Bodom reference brought me to laughing out actual loud - how many rappers namedrop Finnish metallers?
posted by thedaniel at 2:23 AM on August 18

This song, and it's resulting popularity here on Metafilter, proves once more how my taste in Music differs wildly from that of everyone else. Not for me.
posted by Effigy2000 at 5:23 PM on August 21

Not for me.

Then goest thou, Effigy2000, to a new and faraway land, where there shall be no punching of dicks. May you dwell peacefully there, with thine differing tastes.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:38 PM on August 21

But seriously, with Effigy2000's above comment, the subsite known as MetaFilter Music has perhaps come of age. For what I believe is the very first time, a Mefier has stepped into a song thread to declare, simply, that the song just doesn't move him. I'd imagine that response would've only been possible in an extraordinary MeFiMu song thread like Punch 'Em In The Dick, with its precedent-breaking popularity (as its creator reminds us just upthread, it's the most Favorited track of ALL TIME!). But I'd like to think that Effigy2000's comment signals a new beginning for MeFi Music: ushering in an era in which people aren't afraid to make negative comments here, and bring just a little more of the spirit and liveliness of MeFi blue to MeFi black.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 6:03 PM on August 21

There was that one time that someone said one of my songs sounded like a butt that was pooping out smaller butts which were also pooping.
posted by cortex at 8:20 PM on August 21 [5 favorites]

The song was called "Butt Symphony: Recursive Movements", though, so it was a little ambiguous.
posted by cortex at 8:21 PM on August 21 [2 favorites]

Huh huh, huh huh. You said "movement."
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 8:24 PM on August 21

"Spirit and liveliness" is a nice way of putting it, flapjax. :-)

Seriously, though, I see your point. When I did that comment-on-every-song-for-a-month thing, I realized that MeFi Music seems to have an unspoken code about not being critical of others' work. (Which is odd, since we have no qualms about criticizing others' interests on the blue, or character/habits/life decisions on the green.) When I had an idea for improving a song, or something specific I wasn't too keen on, I was loath to come out and say it directly -- and, in some cases, I opted not to say anything at all.

It's fascinating that this subsite has (in my view) evolved with such a distinct culture from the rest. I think we've been so starved for more members and songs that we wanted to make the place as welcoming as possible. The flipside is that posts are met with either glowing accolades or silence.
posted by danb at 8:26 PM on August 21

In the case of most MetaFilter Music songs, I think that the silence is the criticism. No one really needs to vocally shoot down a song that's already been quietly brushed aside.

Here, with the most popular MetaFilter song of all time, there's actually a point to voicing dislike.

A secondary reason that I think you see less vigorous criticism here than in the blue is that here, someone put some amount of work into what they're presenting. However small it may have been, it was probably more work, and more personal work at that, than someone's FPP or long comment. People are less hesitant to dig into something like that, not that what Effigy2000 said was a "dig."

I used to post somewhat regularly to a songwriting site, and it was vicious. People loved ripping into other people's stuff, both with valid and bullshit criticism, especially if they were outsiders. It made sharing your music pretty unpleasant, and they generally drove away everyone but a few musicians that were attuned to the regulars' taste. It was good for the regulars (at least in terms of them getting music and camaraderie), but it didn't make the site a very open place, which I think MetaFilter Music is supposed to be.

So, I don't mind that people here tend to say when they like things and let it go when they don't.
posted by ignignokt at 9:53 PM on August 21

In the case of most MetaFilter Music songs, I think that the silence is the criticism.

...a song that's already been quietly brushed aside.

That's pretty cold, ignignokt. And I don't think it's especially accurate. "Most" MeFi songs are not sidebarred. "Most" MeFiMu songs are never listened to at all. They get a tiny percentage of total plays compared to the sidebarred song we're referring to. If "Punch 'Em" and the recently sidebarred tracks from Beardman hadn't been pointed to on the MeFi front page, you think folks would've headed over to MeFiMu and made all those comments, done all those listens, and favorited them that much? No way in hell.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 10:30 PM on August 21

flapjax at midnite: "But seriously, with Effigy2000's above comment, the subsite known as MetaFilter Music has perhaps come of age. For what I believe is the very first time, a Mefier has stepped into a song thread to declare, simply, that the song just doesn't move him. I'd imagine that response would've only been possible in an extraordinary MeFiMu song thread like Punch 'Em In The Dick, with its precedent-breaking popularity (as its creator reminds us just upthread, it's the most Favorited track of ALL TIME!). But I'd like to think that Effigy2000's comment signals a new beginning for MeFi Music: ushering in an era in which people aren't afraid to make negative comments here, and bring just a little more of the spirit and liveliness of MeFi blue to MeFi black."

Oh god, this isn't going to be a thing, is it?

I just wanna say, for the record, that I actually carefully considered whether or not to post my comment. I'm aware that MeMu has an unspoken rule and I've bit my tongue numerous times in the past. But this time, I figured that a song that seemed to be so universally popular could probably stand one negative comment. It would also speak for all those who had heard the song, thought little of it but decided not to comment for fear of breaking the unspoken rule (or being branded a troll). And more importantly, it would show other people who hadn't heard the song yet that there was at least one person who didn't think it was great (viva la difference!, y'know?).

But being mindful of the unspoken rule (and the fact that despite my dislike of the song, it's better than any song that I could ever produce), I decided to be as genteel in my criticism as I could and I think I succeeded there, at least.

I certainly hope you don't take this personally, mediocre. You should certainly be proud that so many people here have taken to your song! I guess in the end though hip-hop isn't my kind of music (I'm a rock/grunge/punk kind of guy) and dick-punching isn't my favorite subject matter. But more power and success to you, sir!
posted by Effigy2000 at 11:31 PM on August 21

One more thing I want to add about my comment... context. It was borne out of a discussion my partner and I had had not one hour before I heard Punch Em In The Dick, wherein I remarked to her my surprise and dismay that the song Shake It by Metro Station was the #1 most popular song on iTunes Australia. In my opinion, Shake It is a terrible song. My partner (who like me is a rock fan) agreed that it seems that the most derivative tunes seem to be getting the most attention these days and I said that it seemed clear that my musical tastes no longer aligned with what most everyone else thought was great. The most derivative, boring, banal and often downright stupid songs seem to blaze up the charts these days and goes on to sell millions of downloads on iTunes, while the truly great stuff goes mostly overlooked.

So then I stumble upon this thread, and everyone goes "Wow this song is so awesome! You should put it on iTunes and retire!" I hit play and find I disagree on the merits of the song. And after some reflection (see my last comment) I end up saying that this song, and it's resulting popularity here on Metafilter, proves once more how my taste in Music differs wildly from that of everyone else.

Which, again, is not meant to be a personal slight on mediocre. Far from it. Just my opinion, is all. I'll go now.
posted by Effigy2000 at 11:54 PM on August 21

Oh god, this isn't going to be a thing, is it?

All I said was that I hoped it might signal the start of a bit more lively honesty in expressing some negative opinions in MeFi Music. That's all. But, fact is, Effigy, it probably won't be a thing at all, cause it's, you know, MeFi Music. So, I wouldn't worry about it too much! :)
posted by flapjax at midnite at 12:17 AM on August 22

An explanation for your criticism is totally unnecessary, dude. Frankly, once it came to the attention of the larger MeFi community outside of the MeFiMu folk who are amazingly constructive in their criticism I expected reprisal.. I mean, let's call a spade a spade, this is a monumentally dumb song, but very fun and it goes all the way.. I think that's why it appeals to people, it is totally lacking in self aware irony that probably by all right should apply to a song about boxing phalli.

I almost wish people would be more open here just because the Golden Rule too often leads to 1 or 2 post songs that quickly disappear into the archives after no more then a few scant listens..
posted by mediocre at 3:26 AM on August 22

I think the difference between MeFi Music vs. MeFi with regards to snark is that here you are front and center with the creators.

I'm all for snark if it is deserving and especially if it's someone being an asshole in some very public way on the internet, and if that's a website or article or something linked on MeFi, it will often bring out the snark because there is some distance there between the snarker and snarkee.

Dumping on someone's song in MeFi Music is a completely different story. My first reaction is that it's lame and turns the snarker into the asshole in the equation. Also, it's much more obvious that if you don't like a song, there are fifty more on the front page to choose from. Unless someone is specifically asking for feedback on arrangement or lyrics or sound, if I don't like something, I just move on to the next one and I think that's perfectly fine.

It shows we respect one another and we especially respect creators that stick their neck out and write and record something from their heart. I think bringing in kneejerk "everything sucks" snark into MeFi Music is not a good thing, but having a criticism-free zone is also less than ideal.

Mostly I just want to say that the first time I listened to this I played it for 10 seconds and I thought it was terrible -- an obvious lame joke parody of some kind of angry white boy rock. Then I listened again a few days later but it was the whole thing and I realized it was way better than the first 10 seconds and deeply hilarious. On third listen I started to catch most of the lyrics and realized holy shit this thing is packed to the gills with cleverness.

It's brilliantly written, and actually too well-written for a one-off joke song. Like, if you wanted to make fun of the genre, they already got the sound and goofy chorus/title of the song right. The lyrics didn't have to be as good as they were to carry off the joke and having them loaded deep with puns and wordplay, every subsequent listen makes me ask how long did it take to put the lyrics together? Did this go from quick joke to what it currently is over the course of days? weeks? months?

It's really fucking good Effigy2000, give it another listen, I swear it's worth it.
posted by mathowie at 3:43 AM on August 22 [2 favorites]

This song saved Johnny Cage's life, man.
posted by Durhey at 11:37 AM on August 22

Flapjax, it wasn't meant to be cold. By "quietly brushed aside," I meant what mathowie said here:

Also, it's much more obvious that if you don't like a song, there are fifty more on the front page to choose from. Unless someone is specifically asking for feedback on arrangement or lyrics or sound, if I don't like something, I just move on to the next one and I think that's perfectly fine.

I don't think it's cold to just quietly move on to the next song.
posted by ignignokt at 1:12 PM on August 22

This song is going into my ipod. I have added the lyrics djalcun so lovingly transcribed, but now I need some kind of artwork for Coverflow. Any ideas?
posted by crazyray at 8:43 PM on August 22

It's not very imaginative.. but I just use a picture of Juicy Karkass as my Cover Flow image..
posted by mediocre at 10:26 PM on August 22

Holy cow!

I've been following this thread for a while. When it was first brought to my attention, I could hardly believe it. I'm still really excited about it. I finally used my friend's Paypal account to login here.

I'm so happy that people like this song. It is deliciously ignorant, isn't it? I'm glad some people appreciate all the wordplay. This is nothing but toilet humor, but I did put some effort into making (what I hope are) some clever rhymes.

I will eventually make a video for the song. I'm out of town for a while - school's out for summer! - but when I get back to Portland, Mediocre and I are gonna get it going.

To answer Mathowie's recent question: the song kinda wrote itself. I wrote most of it in a day, probably a couple hours sitting in front of the computer. I went back later and added a few changes. I just woke up one morning with this chorus stuck in my head.

In response to Donpedro's post on August 5th: "I whaled on Moby's dick" is absolutely hilarious. I savored that pun for quite a while after reading it. I almost think it's a good thing that I never came up with that, or I would indeed have been obligated to write an entire verse of animal dick-punches.

I sorta feel the need to clarify that Mediocre is my friend and collaborator, but is only responsible for posting the song to Metafilter. I'm the one doing the vocals, and my buddy Savior made the beat. Reviewing this thread will show that Mediocre has never tried to take any credit for producing this song, but since I was absent from the discussion, it seems that a lot of people have drawn that conclusion. I am super grateful to Kap'n Fulz (mediocre's rap alias) for posting the song up here. I owe him a huge bong-rip for putting me out there. Mediocre and I have done some other songs together, which can be found on my Myspace site.

Another point to clarify: I don't listen to ICP. I don't like ICP. I don't like much new mainstream music period. Nu-metal and southern Crunk rap is often the worst stuff on the radio today. For a song like this, however, I had to go over the top. It isn't intended to parody any particular genre, but "artists" like ICP and Lil John deserve to be lampooned.

One last note: Dgaicun transcribed the lyrics, which was flattering, but not entirely accurate. I could post the lyrics here, but why not go to myspace.com/juicykarkass and read them?

Thanks so much to everyone here at Metafilter, even the critics! The recognition is quite gratifying. Hope I didn't forget anything.


Juicy Karkass
posted by juicykarkass at 3:24 PM on August 23

The man finally appears!

Hey bro, I think I found someone in town to make a video. She has the drive, and access to equipment and editing facilities. So get your ass back to PDX, posthaste.
posted by mediocre at 5:26 PM on August 23

mediocre, are you friends with juicykarkass or in the band or what? I'll be disappointed if it was just some song you liked and found and posted here. MeFi Music has always been about music created by members here.
posted by mathowie at 6:55 PM on August 23

Uh-oh. Might be a lot of folks here who feel a little, uh... tricked.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 7:11 PM on August 23

Juicy Karkass is an old friend, and collaborator. We've been making music together over a year..
posted by mediocre at 7:17 PM on August 23

So, you played on "Punch 'Em", mediocre?
posted by flapjax at midnite at 7:22 PM on August 23

I recorded the song, though the beat and raps were written by Juicy Karkass and Savior.
posted by mediocre at 7:27 PM on August 23

As I was driving today, and the song on random came on my mp3 player, I had a moment of great desire; More specifically, a moment of wanting to create an unofficial video of this song, where Mefites from around the world all get in front of their webcams and crunk for about ten seconds to the song, and then some genius editor puts it all together into the definitive Mefi P'eiD video.

Worst case, if the footage provided didn't fill the whole song, a competent editor could probably intersperse the available clips with some 'Ow My Balls' type stuff off of youtube.
posted by quin at 10:28 PM on August 23

Whoa there!

Golly! I didn't expect anyone to get their panties in a twist over this! If we're gonna split hairs about who did what, let's lay it all out:

First off, allow me to refer to Mediocre as "Captain," since that's what all our friends have called him since high school. Captain, a.k.a. Kap'n Fulz is my homeboy. We live in the same town. We hang with the same crew of friends. We go to the same bars, sing karaoke together, make rap songs together, smoke herb together, and so on.

Second, Captain did all the production and mixing on this track. I wrote the words about a year ago. Then I met fellow rapper Savior at my community college. Savior had this old beat he made a while back, and Captain and I used it for "Punch Em In The Dick." The vocals had to be compressed, the tracks had to be mixed down, all that technical stuff that I know nothing about. So thanks to Captain and Savior, I had a raw beat and a tight mix.

Mathowie asked Captain, "are you friends with Juicy Karkass?" although I clearly stated in my post above that "Mediocre is my friend" and we "have done some other songs together." I am new to Metafilter, so I am unfamiliar with the criteria one needs to meet in order to take credit for creating a song.

As the lyricist, I just felt the need to step up and get my props, that's all. Didn't mean to downplay all the hard work that Captain put into the production. I also owe Savior a huge debt of thanks for allowing us to use the beat. I hope this clears everything up.

Once again, I'm very excited and grateful to everyone for their overwhelmingly positive response to OUR song!

Juicy & crew
posted by juicykarkass at 10:40 PM on August 23

Juicy gives me TOO much credit.. the hooks got Karkass all over 'em.
posted by mediocre at 10:57 PM on August 23

Yeah, but who's gonna step up to the mic and thank God, his manager, his record label and his moms (in that order) when "Punch 'Em" gets a Grammy?
posted by flapjax at midnite at 11:52 PM on August 23

Haha! Thank God??? Never! Maybe you missed the end of the song, where the Father, Son and the Virgin Mary get right jabbed in the jewels!
posted by juicykarkass at 12:11 AM on August 24

Well, hey, there's a few other gods out there, after all... I mean, Vishnu? Quetzalcoatl? Atum? The Sun?

Grandmaster Flash?
posted by flapjax at midnite at 12:34 AM on August 24

I'll fall on Atum's spring/sucker punch Vishnu's trunk/and to all the worshippers of the Sun/ya units gonna feel the burn

Fuck Quetzalcoatl..
posted by mediocre at 12:51 AM on August 24

Fuck Quetzalcoatl..

Yeah, that's a tough rhyme right there. You're better off just bailing on that one...
posted by flapjax at midnite at 1:26 AM on August 24

Second, Captain did all the production and mixing on this track.

Ah, that's the missing link. Yeah, that lands us back in reasonably-okay territory.

To be clear, there's been a few instances in the past of people just totally missing the point of Music and posting songs that the just like by people they know or posting songs that they have even less to do with than that, both of which are totally off the mark for what this place is for.

Engineering a song? Not as much of a problem, though it's probably a good idea in general to talk about what your involvement is if it's other than "this is me" or "this is my band" in the who's-on-the-recording sense. Keeps people from getting whiplash-by-omission in a case like this.

But it sounds like we've navigated safely back to okay territory here, so there's nothing left for it but hugs.

Fuck Quetzalcoatl
Next Aztec off the boat'll
Conquistanoyoudidn't
Mayan fists is gettin' scrotal
posted by cortex at 6:42 AM on August 24 [3 favorites]

it sounds like we've navigated safely back to okay territory here

Is that so, cortex?

WHO SPEAKS FOR DJ JAZZY JEFF, THEN? Answer me that.
posted by ikkyu2 at 4:48 PM on August 24

I can't believe it took me so long to listen to this, even though I'd seen it on the sidebar for a while now.

I approve!
posted by agress at 8:56 PM on August 24

Sweet. I love hugs. I also love how supportive and articulate you MeFi people are. I read the most ignorant shit at other sites. Youtube has every variety of illiterate and judgmental grumps. It's refreshing not to have to read "omg this crap sux u r a fag" or "shut up retard lol" all the time. Props to Metafilter for actually engaging in stimulating discussions! All the more so, since it was our ignorant, potty-mouth song that prompted all the well-worded critiques. You guys rule!
posted by juicykarkass at 11:22 PM on August 25

WHO SPEAKS FOR DJ JAZZY JEFF, THEN? Answer me that.

Carlton.

I also love how supportive and articulate you MeFi people are.

Oh, but you haven't been around us when we've been drinking.

That is a lie. There is no such time. It's like the Amazon and rainfall, here.
posted by cortex at 6:24 AM on August 26

FYI there have been 40 texts for the ringtone download so far.
posted by nonmyopicdave at 12:57 PM on August 26

Props to Metafilter for actually engaging in stimulating discussions!

You obviously haven't been around long. We just put on a good show for newcomers. For the first few weeks it's all flowers and sweet cards and delicate surprises, then BOOM! we punch intellectual conversation in the dick.
posted by baphomet at 3:10 PM on August 26

Remember that time that Matt got totally wasted and crapped on Jason Kottke's lawn?
posted by cortex at 3:13 PM on August 26